According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
