when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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