If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
