how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
