im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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