This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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