Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
