the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I am available for nakedness
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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