Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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