im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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