I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
