And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
