No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
FUCK WHALES
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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