Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My vagina is officially offended.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
