were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he shaved USA in his pubs
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
false alarm, still single
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
