So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
