Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You made out with two different species that night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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