Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
