This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Semen is not good for contacts.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
