Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
