Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
