You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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