Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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