Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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