I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
