So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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