I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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