bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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