Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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