Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
