Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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