Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
