I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
