I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
