I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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