Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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