I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
