i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
