If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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