Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
