oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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