Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
