Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.