everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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