Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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