i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
