She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
