My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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