Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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