Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My penis needs a shock collar
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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