i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
