Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
