my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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