you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize