is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
