Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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