She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
